Would You Do It Again?

This morning on one of my Step mom support pages a moderator asked, "Would you do it again?"

90% of step mom's reply? "NO WAY".

Actually, erasing the names of the step mom responders and keeping them private, here are some EXACT responses:

"No, I feel deceived and manipulated".

"Love hearing the sad and brutal honesty. For the kids, yes I absolutely would...But, the bio-parent just doesn't understand that the best interest of the kids isn't about being vindictive/getting back and it's old and exhausting STILL six years later."

"I would marry my husband again, but would be a lot more cautious about step motherhood."

"HELL NO....I should have ran so far away...It's been six years of arguing, crying, resentment...."

"Sadly, no. I love my husband more than life itself, but the complications in our blended family are more than we know how to handle....don't know how to make it better and we are at the end of ourselves."

"No way in hell. This is not how life is supposed to be. I am here now and in love with a man AND his kids, so I am not going anywhere, but if I knew then what I know now I would never have chosen this life for myself and my own biological children."

Heartbreaking, isn't it?

And we all have 2 choices....stay in and deal, or get out. Unfortunately, getting out, in most cases, just creates a whole other additional circle of divorce, broken family, new-ex-spouses, and turning one's own biological children into future step kids. Staying in and dealing doesn't seem very pretty, either...does it?

This is a real problem so many women face in their lives. It's one of the saddest phenomenon's out there. It's no wonder that the failure rate of second marriages is even greater than the already high failure rate of first marriages (http://www.remarriage.com/Remarriage-Facts/failure-of-second-marriages.html). All a step mom ever did was fall in love with a man who had a history. That history, his former struggle, has become the struggle of so many new wives....and not-so-new, as you can see from the comments above. Years and years after marriage, women are still putting up with what you would THINK would be "adjustment behaviors" from the ex-wife. Ex-wives who are out for revenge, who are selfish, who create drama with the intention of causing marital issues for their ex-husbands....it happens FAR MORE often than it doesn't. And, speaking from personal experience and the experience of other's...IT DOESN'T GET BETTER WITH TIME.

So many of us step moms share the same issues in our marriage due to the ex-wife/biological mother of our stepchildren.

For me, it's drama around the holidays and all special occasions.
For me, it's another woman's mood swings (or perhaps I should say "disorders"!) that are affecting MY husband.
For me, it's loving children and being a normal, secure, family until her hurricane of craziness comes into the picture and disrupts it all.
For me, it's having no one who can understand our unique family situation.
For me, it's dealing with a husband who would rather throw his backbone out the window than stand up to his ex on issues that mean a lot to...and affect....our step kids and even our family as a whole.
For me, it's wanting to be normal so badly that it hurts....and knowing that there is no way to obtain it...EVER.
For me, it's watching my biological children suffer because their mommy is dealing with another problem the ex-wife created and, therefore, cant' fully be there for them while she deals.
It's a feeling of being trapped and, sometimes, it feels like I got tricked into this.

It's all so sad. And there are SO MANY women who have to live their lives like this. We didn't get a warning. We didn't get a handbook when we said, "I do." We did say, "for better or worse"....it's just so sad how much "worse" the new wife/the step mom gets dealt at the hands of the ex-wife. It's so true that when you marry a divorced man you are marrying his kids...AND his ex, as well. All the problems from their relationship included.

Support groups (online) like the ones that I belong to help. It's so nice to know that I am not alone. This morning, it's making me feel so sad and so frustrated that there are such large number of step mom's out there who, "NO WAY IN HELL" would do it all over again. If you came to me and said you were interested in dating a man with a crazy ex-wife and children in the mix...I would tell you to run.

All that being said, you all know I do love my hubby and I do love my stepchildren....my "bonus babies"....but, this life sure isn't for wimps.

My thoughts and prayers this morning are with all the thousands of step moms out there who, like me, got more than they bargained for just by meeting the love of their lives.

A Year of Ailey Grace

Today is Ailey's 1st birthday.

She's still so much my baby that it's hard to believe that she is 1!

Ailey is, above all things, sweet. Ever since the day she was born I knew that her soul was gentle, easygoing, loving, and happy. Always a cuddler, always in-tune with the emotions of others. Always quick to offer up her big, beautiful smile to others, and to then remember that she is a bit timid and turn away with those BIG blue eyes. At least once every single day she will stop what she is doing, put her sweet little hand up on my cheek, and plant a giant wet kiss on my face. How can I every get too sad about anything with a little blessing in my life like that!?

I love to watch her with her siblings. Her and Joey often disappear into their own world full of giggles and jibber-jabber. She watches his every move and is learning from him constantly. When he walks into the room her eyes light up and she stops what she is doing to let him know she notices that he's there.

With Conner, she gets so excited to see him! Since she never really knows when he will show up, every time she sees him is like the first time in years. She will leap from my arms to wrap her hands around his neck and kiss him all over his face. This is funny to watch as she is being sweet, but those kisses are so full of drool that Conner gets a bit grossed-out by it:)

And finally, with Carly, well.....Carly is more like another Mommy to Ailey. When Ailey is hurt or hungry, tired or scared, if I'm out of sight and Carly is near, she will go straight to her for comfort.

It's such a sweet thing watching your children love one another.

No one can make Ailey laugh like her Daddy. Just the sound of Daddy coming through the front door will make Ailey giggle 4 rooms away. How lucky all my children are to have a Daddy that rarely travels and who cares so deeply for them.

It's been an amazing year with an amazing little girl! Happy Birthday Ailey Grace Montgomery!

Orphan Sunday

Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. -Psalm 82:3

I have been praying for a long time that my husband might start to spiritually lead our family. So when, in the midst of my antepartum depression and the falling a part of our house, Trey suggested that we start looking for a new church close to our new home....I was relieved and excited.



Immediately Trey took action and got online to find a church that he thought would be a good fit for our family. He picked one out and this morning we attended for the first time. It's always nerve-wracking when you go to a new church for the first time. What will the child care be like? What will the music be like? How will the people like us?



We dropped-off our babies...both with relatively easy transitions and minimal tears. Then we headed into the sanctuary (the gymnasium in the YMCA). The service had just started and we looked up to hear a gentleman giving an introduction to what was "Orphan Sunday". I turned and looked up at my hubby...my eyes big and already starting to fill with tears. Up on the screen was a photo of an orphan with the words "Orphan Sunday".



So it's the first time that we've gone to church in probably 2 months. It's the first time that we've tried a new church in about a year. I took my seat and listened as the congregation was informed about God's desire for His people to help the helpless. Bible quote after Bible quote on God's word regarding orphans and widows was recited. These words were not new to my ears....or to my heart. I recited right along with the pastor. Tears streamed down my cheeks the entire time as my heart broke into a million pieces for the orphans of the world...and what God had already called me to do about it. I kept looking up at Trey who I didn't have to say anything to. He knew what was going on with me.



After the sermon we were invited to a meeting to attend this evening regarding what we can do to help father the Fatherless. I am going to go...even though I am nervous. It always makes me nervous when God speaks to me so loudly and clearly. I am also nervous because this was my first time attending this church and I won't know anyone who will be there. But I have to go. I have to hear more of what this group of people have to say. I have to hear more of what they are being called to do...and maybe, how I can be a part of it.



Finally, "Orphan Sunday" comes on the morning that my sister-in-law and her husband land in Ethiopia. They will be going to court for their son, a 1 year old orphan currently residing in an Ethiopian orphanage. We continue to pray for their family as they set out to do as God has called them to do in their rescue of the perishing.

God is good!

Proverbs 24:11-13

Keeping on keeping on....

When I met Trey I knew it was because God brought us together.
I remember being in my car, listening to Christian radio, and having the realization that:
IF I WAS EVER GOING TO GET OUT OF MY CURRENT SITUATION IN LIFE, IT WAS GOING TO TAKE GOD TO DO IT.
Then I had a vision of a man---a single Dad whose kids played soccer.

Via Myspace a man, who I had met weeks earlier through a mutual friend, began exchanging emails with me. He was a single dad...whose daughter played soccer.

Today that man is my husband, the father of my 2 stepchildren, and father to my 2, soon-to-be 3, children.

Some days this life brings such great challenges that I forget that God placed me in this family.

I don't wish being a step-mommy on anyone. It is thankless and dramatic...a rollercoaster of emotions, to say the least. You are but you aren't. You want to, but it isn't your place, but you just might have to anyway and suffer the consequences. You're tired, but it needs to be done. They're yours, but they aren't (but they really are *wink*).

I want to run away and find a home with one mommy and one daddy so badly some days! I have to remember, it wasn't for no reason that I am a part of THIS home. God's plan is for me to be here. When I said my vows, they were to many many people.

Staying strong when I want to quit is so hard. God gives me strength...especially on days like this. I know one day I will "see" what I "know"...that there is a REASON for all of this.





Me and MY Bonus kids...back when we were "dating":)
Crazy that Conner was Joey's age when we started dating!


Even crazier that that little girl to down there to my right is now a beautiful young lady...a teenager and everything!

Sometimes....

...I hear about all the fun and interesting things my friends who have not journeyed onto parenthood are doing....and get a little jealous. Then my baby kicks, my daughter begs for me to pick her up, and my son tells me I am a princess.

There's a whole wide world out there I long to explore, but where I am just might be my greatest adventure:)

I know this is my greatest accomplishment.

When it rains....

So we are starting to discover some of the "joys" of being homeowners of an older home.

It started with my bathroom grout. For a week straight I tried something new in between those shower tiles....nothing works! I have to just suck it up and live with black lines in between the tiles in my shower.

Next would be foundational cracks....everywhere. In each room there exists at least one crack that Trey has promised me is just because the house is "settling". Well, this is very unsettling for me!

Then there was the dryer. We lost our brand new dryer when we sold our last house (the brand new one that we built from the ground up with the pretty granite counter tops and tile stone flooring that was ENTIRELY too small...) so we adopted the one that was left here by the previous homeowner. Suddenly there was no heat coming from the machine which was running fine....great. We did our research and tried numerous different fix-its with no results...So new dryer it had to be.

Then there was the puddle of water accumulating near the sink on my kitchen floor...the funky smell coming out from underneath the garbage disposal. After digging around under there (Trey had to do this for I did NOT have the stomach!)Trey discovered a HOLE in our garbage disposal. A HOLE?! REALLY!? Yep...that confirmed that another item would be needing replacement in our geriatric home. Fabulous.

A tree died in our front yard. Trey went out there this weekend, after we installed the new dryer, and used an ax to break it down. Our front yard feels slightly naked and exposed, but at least we have more firewood, now!

I'm scared of what might come next! I know for sure that this spring our deck has to be sanded and painted...a few boards might even need replacing. Wow, I'm running out of energy, patience, and money FAST! I didn't think that it would be this stressful having an older home! At least it's in a fabulous neighborhood and a great school district:)

I never thought that I would have to talk about a "next house" again....but now I know that I do. And our NEXT HOUSE will be new so that when we run into these issues that need repair and replacement, we have been there a while and are older with more money to handle the problems as they arise!

"Robot Son"

Yesterday was a re-evaluation appointment for Conner's ADHD treatment. I never knew if ADHD was "real" problem or not. For a short time in college I was on ADD meds and so I know how they feel and what they did to me. If I took them as I should then I was a very normal, functioning, happy, straight "B" student....I almost never took them like I was supposed to. I eventually quit taking them altogether when I no longer had health benefits and, using the skills I learned to focus and organize while medicated, live a life where I don't need them.


When I met Conner he was a very happy, VERY energetic little 3 year old boy. Bright, cute, potty-trained, in daycare, and adjusting to what had been a year of going back and forth between his recovering addict Mother's house and his single-Dad's place. Every day I would hear from Trey about how Conner was getting into trouble at daycare. Hitting teachers, biting students, not following directions, etc. I thought that this was probably not very normal, but neither is being 3 and going through your parent's divorce. As time went on his behavior issues continued. He could never follow instructions, we would always practice following 2 and 3 step instructions with him at home. He was always very hungry for attention. Easily made jealous, always wanting to be babied and held, and quick to mis-behave to receive attention...for negative attention was obviously not something that he feared. When Conner started pre-school we saw his behavior improve. He was now in the same class every day with a structured schedule and a very experienced teacher who was consistent and didn't put up with "nonsense". Still, notes would come home and phone calls would be made that Conner was having trouble from time to time...more often than not.

Kindergarten year Trey and I married. We had been living together for a year prior, but this sealed the deal that I was a permanent fixture in the family. Any issues that Conner was having before concerned me on a much a deeper level now. This was my child, too. Halfway through kindergarten, and several "red days" and notes home from the teacher later, Trey and Shannon finally took Conner to the pediatrician for his behavior...complete lack of self-control, and hyperactivity.

He was put on a very low-dose of Ritalin. At first we noticed that Conner was very quiet when he was put on his meds, but as time went on he adjusted and was back to his normal self again...only better. He started getting "green" days at school! His time spent there was more for learning and playing and socializing instead of trouble, time-outs, and being distracted from his educational reasons for being there.

Through first grade his medication was adjusted to accomodate his growing body and his slight tolerance to the meds. As he started to bring home straight "A" work and spelling tests, we knew that we had done the right thing for our son. Outside of school we faced a good deal less behavior issues. We found Conner was able to entertain himself with books and toys instead of begging to zone out in front of a television or hang onto our legs every second of every day demanding attention that would result in mis-behavior if it wasn't received. I now knew that ADHD was a real disease with a real treatment. Our pediatrician assured us that there would be no long-term effects, that in time he would learn how to focus on things on his own, and that his chances for developing drinking and drug habits when he got older were decreased if he continued to properly take his medication through his schooling years. (With his Mom's history this meant a lot to US.)

For us, it has been a no-brainer. Now, halfway through 2nd grade, we are facing a huge issue. BIO-MOM. Shannon thinks that when Conner is focused and well-behaved and not clamoring for her attention, that he has been flipped into "robot" mode. She says that when he is playing independently and reading books on his own that it is because we've turned him into a "ZOMBIE". SERIOUSLY?!?!

Yesterday at the re-evaluation appointment she was getting strange looks from the doctor as she yelled at Trey that he just wanted a "robot son" and not the REAL CONNER. Trey argued that Conner's medication helps him to be the best version of himself that he can be and that the past several years have prooved that. She argued back that when he's medicated he is "just not her son". Okay, I can see where she is coming from. When he is medicated he doesn't pine for her attention in the same manner. When he is medicated he is able to sleep in his own bed (not in hers with her)...he is more secure, confident, and independent. I can understand for a mother that when your child starts to need you less that it stings a bit. But should we really take him off of his meds for these reasons? Or even decrease a dosage that is working out so perfectly for him? As Conner's parent, and the parent who primarily cares for him, I don't think we should make these changes. What do we do to win this battle for Conner? What do we do to make her see?

At times like this I just have to re-state that "Shared Parenting" and "Shared Custody" is for parents who can AGREE on what is best for their children....I can't remember the last time that this happened....

Here I sit, as always, a helpless, concerned, stepparent. :( I hope they can reach a decision together....fast.