Yesterday was a re-evaluation appointment for Conner's ADHD treatment. I never knew if ADHD was "real" problem or not. For a short time in college I was on ADD meds and so I know how they feel and what they did to me. If I took them as I should then I was a very normal, functioning, happy, straight "B" student....I almost never took them like I was supposed to. I eventually quit taking them altogether when I no longer had health benefits and, using the skills I learned to focus and organize while medicated, live a life where I don't need them.
When I met Conner he was a very happy, VERY energetic little 3 year old boy. Bright, cute, potty-trained, in daycare, and adjusting to what had been a year of going back and forth between his recovering addict Mother's house and his single-Dad's place. Every day I would hear from Trey about how Conner was getting into trouble at daycare. Hitting teachers, biting students, not following directions, etc. I thought that this was probably not very normal, but neither is being 3 and going through your parent's divorce. As time went on his behavior issues continued. He could never follow instructions, we would always practice following 2 and 3 step instructions with him at home. He was always very hungry for attention. Easily made jealous, always wanting to be babied and held, and quick to mis-behave to receive attention...for negative attention was obviously not something that he feared. When Conner started pre-school we saw his behavior improve. He was now in the same class every day with a structured schedule and a very experienced teacher who was consistent and didn't put up with "nonsense". Still, notes would come home and phone calls would be made that Conner was having trouble from time to time...more often than not.
Kindergarten year Trey and I married. We had been living together for a year prior, but this sealed the deal that I was a permanent fixture in the family. Any issues that Conner was having before concerned me on a much a deeper level now. This was my child, too. Halfway through kindergarten, and several "red days" and notes home from the teacher later, Trey and Shannon finally took Conner to the pediatrician for his behavior...complete lack of self-control, and hyperactivity.
He was put on a very low-dose of Ritalin. At first we noticed that Conner was very quiet when he was put on his meds, but as time went on he adjusted and was back to his normal self again...only better. He started getting "green" days at school! His time spent there was more for learning and playing and socializing instead of trouble, time-outs, and being distracted from his educational reasons for being there.
Through first grade his medication was adjusted to accomodate his growing body and his slight tolerance to the meds. As he started to bring home straight "A" work and spelling tests, we knew that we had done the right thing for our son. Outside of school we faced a good deal less behavior issues. We found Conner was able to entertain himself with books and toys instead of begging to zone out in front of a television or hang onto our legs every second of every day demanding attention that would result in mis-behavior if it wasn't received. I now knew that ADHD was a real disease with a real treatment. Our pediatrician assured us that there would be no long-term effects, that in time he would learn how to focus on things on his own, and that his chances for developing drinking and drug habits when he got older were decreased if he continued to properly take his medication through his schooling years. (With his Mom's history this meant a lot to US.)
For us, it has been a no-brainer. Now, halfway through 2nd grade, we are facing a huge issue. BIO-MOM. Shannon thinks that when Conner is focused and well-behaved and not clamoring for her attention, that he has been flipped into "robot" mode. She says that when he is playing independently and reading books on his own that it is because we've turned him into a "ZOMBIE". SERIOUSLY?!?!
Yesterday at the re-evaluation appointment she was getting strange looks from the doctor as she yelled at Trey that he just wanted a "robot son" and not the REAL CONNER. Trey argued that Conner's medication helps him to be the best version of himself that he can be and that the past several years have prooved that. She argued back that when he's medicated he is "just not her son". Okay, I can see where she is coming from. When he is medicated he doesn't pine for her attention in the same manner. When he is medicated he is able to sleep in his own bed (not in hers with her)...he is more secure, confident, and independent. I can understand for a mother that when your child starts to need you less that it stings a bit. But should we really take him off of his meds for these reasons? Or even decrease a dosage that is working out so perfectly for him? As Conner's parent, and the parent who primarily cares for him, I don't think we should make these changes. What do we do to win this battle for Conner? What do we do to make her see?
At times like this I just have to re-state that "Shared Parenting" and "Shared Custody" is for parents who can AGREE on what is best for their children....I can't remember the last time that this happened....
Here I sit, as always, a helpless, concerned, stepparent. :( I hope they can reach a decision together....fast.
Even crazier that that little girl to down there to my right is now a beautiful young lady...a teenager and everything!
