Would You Do It Again?

This morning on one of my Step mom support pages a moderator asked, "Would you do it again?"

90% of step mom's reply? "NO WAY".

Actually, erasing the names of the step mom responders and keeping them private, here are some EXACT responses:

"No, I feel deceived and manipulated".

"Love hearing the sad and brutal honesty. For the kids, yes I absolutely would...But, the bio-parent just doesn't understand that the best interest of the kids isn't about being vindictive/getting back and it's old and exhausting STILL six years later."

"I would marry my husband again, but would be a lot more cautious about step motherhood."

"HELL NO....I should have ran so far away...It's been six years of arguing, crying, resentment...."

"Sadly, no. I love my husband more than life itself, but the complications in our blended family are more than we know how to handle....don't know how to make it better and we are at the end of ourselves."

"No way in hell. This is not how life is supposed to be. I am here now and in love with a man AND his kids, so I am not going anywhere, but if I knew then what I know now I would never have chosen this life for myself and my own biological children."

Heartbreaking, isn't it?

And we all have 2 choices....stay in and deal, or get out. Unfortunately, getting out, in most cases, just creates a whole other additional circle of divorce, broken family, new-ex-spouses, and turning one's own biological children into future step kids. Staying in and dealing doesn't seem very pretty, either...does it?

This is a real problem so many women face in their lives. It's one of the saddest phenomenon's out there. It's no wonder that the failure rate of second marriages is even greater than the already high failure rate of first marriages (http://www.remarriage.com/Remarriage-Facts/failure-of-second-marriages.html). All a step mom ever did was fall in love with a man who had a history. That history, his former struggle, has become the struggle of so many new wives....and not-so-new, as you can see from the comments above. Years and years after marriage, women are still putting up with what you would THINK would be "adjustment behaviors" from the ex-wife. Ex-wives who are out for revenge, who are selfish, who create drama with the intention of causing marital issues for their ex-husbands....it happens FAR MORE often than it doesn't. And, speaking from personal experience and the experience of other's...IT DOESN'T GET BETTER WITH TIME.

So many of us step moms share the same issues in our marriage due to the ex-wife/biological mother of our stepchildren.

For me, it's drama around the holidays and all special occasions.
For me, it's another woman's mood swings (or perhaps I should say "disorders"!) that are affecting MY husband.
For me, it's loving children and being a normal, secure, family until her hurricane of craziness comes into the picture and disrupts it all.
For me, it's having no one who can understand our unique family situation.
For me, it's dealing with a husband who would rather throw his backbone out the window than stand up to his ex on issues that mean a lot to...and affect....our step kids and even our family as a whole.
For me, it's wanting to be normal so badly that it hurts....and knowing that there is no way to obtain it...EVER.
For me, it's watching my biological children suffer because their mommy is dealing with another problem the ex-wife created and, therefore, cant' fully be there for them while she deals.
It's a feeling of being trapped and, sometimes, it feels like I got tricked into this.

It's all so sad. And there are SO MANY women who have to live their lives like this. We didn't get a warning. We didn't get a handbook when we said, "I do." We did say, "for better or worse"....it's just so sad how much "worse" the new wife/the step mom gets dealt at the hands of the ex-wife. It's so true that when you marry a divorced man you are marrying his kids...AND his ex, as well. All the problems from their relationship included.

Support groups (online) like the ones that I belong to help. It's so nice to know that I am not alone. This morning, it's making me feel so sad and so frustrated that there are such large number of step mom's out there who, "NO WAY IN HELL" would do it all over again. If you came to me and said you were interested in dating a man with a crazy ex-wife and children in the mix...I would tell you to run.

All that being said, you all know I do love my hubby and I do love my stepchildren....my "bonus babies"....but, this life sure isn't for wimps.

My thoughts and prayers this morning are with all the thousands of step moms out there who, like me, got more than they bargained for just by meeting the love of their lives.

A Year of Ailey Grace

Today is Ailey's 1st birthday.

She's still so much my baby that it's hard to believe that she is 1!

Ailey is, above all things, sweet. Ever since the day she was born I knew that her soul was gentle, easygoing, loving, and happy. Always a cuddler, always in-tune with the emotions of others. Always quick to offer up her big, beautiful smile to others, and to then remember that she is a bit timid and turn away with those BIG blue eyes. At least once every single day she will stop what she is doing, put her sweet little hand up on my cheek, and plant a giant wet kiss on my face. How can I every get too sad about anything with a little blessing in my life like that!?

I love to watch her with her siblings. Her and Joey often disappear into their own world full of giggles and jibber-jabber. She watches his every move and is learning from him constantly. When he walks into the room her eyes light up and she stops what she is doing to let him know she notices that he's there.

With Conner, she gets so excited to see him! Since she never really knows when he will show up, every time she sees him is like the first time in years. She will leap from my arms to wrap her hands around his neck and kiss him all over his face. This is funny to watch as she is being sweet, but those kisses are so full of drool that Conner gets a bit grossed-out by it:)

And finally, with Carly, well.....Carly is more like another Mommy to Ailey. When Ailey is hurt or hungry, tired or scared, if I'm out of sight and Carly is near, she will go straight to her for comfort.

It's such a sweet thing watching your children love one another.

No one can make Ailey laugh like her Daddy. Just the sound of Daddy coming through the front door will make Ailey giggle 4 rooms away. How lucky all my children are to have a Daddy that rarely travels and who cares so deeply for them.

It's been an amazing year with an amazing little girl! Happy Birthday Ailey Grace Montgomery!

Orphan Sunday

Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. -Psalm 82:3

I have been praying for a long time that my husband might start to spiritually lead our family. So when, in the midst of my antepartum depression and the falling a part of our house, Trey suggested that we start looking for a new church close to our new home....I was relieved and excited.



Immediately Trey took action and got online to find a church that he thought would be a good fit for our family. He picked one out and this morning we attended for the first time. It's always nerve-wracking when you go to a new church for the first time. What will the child care be like? What will the music be like? How will the people like us?



We dropped-off our babies...both with relatively easy transitions and minimal tears. Then we headed into the sanctuary (the gymnasium in the YMCA). The service had just started and we looked up to hear a gentleman giving an introduction to what was "Orphan Sunday". I turned and looked up at my hubby...my eyes big and already starting to fill with tears. Up on the screen was a photo of an orphan with the words "Orphan Sunday".



So it's the first time that we've gone to church in probably 2 months. It's the first time that we've tried a new church in about a year. I took my seat and listened as the congregation was informed about God's desire for His people to help the helpless. Bible quote after Bible quote on God's word regarding orphans and widows was recited. These words were not new to my ears....or to my heart. I recited right along with the pastor. Tears streamed down my cheeks the entire time as my heart broke into a million pieces for the orphans of the world...and what God had already called me to do about it. I kept looking up at Trey who I didn't have to say anything to. He knew what was going on with me.



After the sermon we were invited to a meeting to attend this evening regarding what we can do to help father the Fatherless. I am going to go...even though I am nervous. It always makes me nervous when God speaks to me so loudly and clearly. I am also nervous because this was my first time attending this church and I won't know anyone who will be there. But I have to go. I have to hear more of what this group of people have to say. I have to hear more of what they are being called to do...and maybe, how I can be a part of it.



Finally, "Orphan Sunday" comes on the morning that my sister-in-law and her husband land in Ethiopia. They will be going to court for their son, a 1 year old orphan currently residing in an Ethiopian orphanage. We continue to pray for their family as they set out to do as God has called them to do in their rescue of the perishing.

God is good!

Proverbs 24:11-13