This morning on one of my Step mom support pages a moderator asked, "Would you do it again?"
90% of step mom's reply? "NO WAY".
Actually, erasing the names of the step mom responders and keeping them private, here are some EXACT responses:
"No, I feel deceived and manipulated".
"Love hearing the sad and brutal honesty. For the kids, yes I absolutely would...But, the bio-parent just doesn't understand that the best interest of the kids isn't about being vindictive/getting back and it's old and exhausting STILL six years later."
"I would marry my husband again, but would be a lot more cautious about step motherhood."
"HELL NO....I should have ran so far away...It's been six years of arguing, crying, resentment...."
"Sadly, no. I love my husband more than life itself, but the complications in our blended family are more than we know how to handle....don't know how to make it better and we are at the end of ourselves."
"No way in hell. This is not how life is supposed to be. I am here now and in love with a man AND his kids, so I am not going anywhere, but if I knew then what I know now I would never have chosen this life for myself and my own biological children."
Heartbreaking, isn't it?
And we all have 2 choices....stay in and deal, or get out. Unfortunately, getting out, in most cases, just creates a whole other additional circle of divorce, broken family, new-ex-spouses, and turning one's own biological children into future step kids. Staying in and dealing doesn't seem very pretty, either...does it?
This is a real problem so many women face in their lives. It's one of the saddest phenomenon's out there. It's no wonder that the failure rate of second marriages is even greater than the already high failure rate of first marriages (http://www.remarriage.com/Remarriage-Facts/failure-of-second-marriages.html). All a step mom ever did was fall in love with a man who had a history. That history, his former struggle, has become the struggle of so many new wives....and not-so-new, as you can see from the comments above. Years and years after marriage, women are still putting up with what you would THINK would be "adjustment behaviors" from the ex-wife. Ex-wives who are out for revenge, who are selfish, who create drama with the intention of causing marital issues for their ex-husbands....it happens FAR MORE often than it doesn't. And, speaking from personal experience and the experience of other's...IT DOESN'T GET BETTER WITH TIME.
So many of us step moms share the same issues in our marriage due to the ex-wife/biological mother of our stepchildren.
For me, it's drama around the holidays and all special occasions.
For me, it's another woman's mood swings (or perhaps I should say "disorders"!) that are affecting MY husband.
For me, it's loving children and being a normal, secure, family until her hurricane of craziness comes into the picture and disrupts it all.
For me, it's having no one who can understand our unique family situation.
For me, it's dealing with a husband who would rather throw his backbone out the window than stand up to his ex on issues that mean a lot to...and affect....our step kids and even our family as a whole.
For me, it's wanting to be normal so badly that it hurts....and knowing that there is no way to obtain it...EVER.
For me, it's watching my biological children suffer because their mommy is dealing with another problem the ex-wife created and, therefore, cant' fully be there for them while she deals.
It's a feeling of being trapped and, sometimes, it feels like I got tricked into this.
It's all so sad. And there are SO MANY women who have to live their lives like this. We didn't get a warning. We didn't get a handbook when we said, "I do." We did say, "for better or worse"....it's just so sad how much "worse" the new wife/the step mom gets dealt at the hands of the ex-wife. It's so true that when you marry a divorced man you are marrying his kids...AND his ex, as well. All the problems from their relationship included.
Support groups (online) like the ones that I belong to help. It's so nice to know that I am not alone. This morning, it's making me feel so sad and so frustrated that there are such large number of step mom's out there who, "NO WAY IN HELL" would do it all over again. If you came to me and said you were interested in dating a man with a crazy ex-wife and children in the mix...I would tell you to run.
All that being said, you all know I do love my hubby and I do love my stepchildren....my "bonus babies"....but, this life sure isn't for wimps.
My thoughts and prayers this morning are with all the thousands of step moms out there who, like me, got more than they bargained for just by meeting the love of their lives.
2 comments:
I'm a mother and an adult stepchild (dad remarried when I was 18 and had more children) and found this post very interesting and I'm amazed at women who are strong enough to handle this well. I know my stepmom had no idea what she was getting into & I bet she'd have some of the same reactions. But to be fair, some stepmothers add to the problem with their behavior.
I agree it doesn't get better with time, but the types of problems do change. Now that we have a son who has THREE grandmas (my mom, stepmom, mother in law) its great for him, but very trying on my husband & I. Always worrying about which grandparent kept him last, who gave him the 'better' gift, etc. But, on the flipside, my parents no longer deal with custody issues, tax deductions, child support etc.
Wow, honestly I did NOT know that other stepmoms had this thought. I've felt bad many times for wondering if I would do it again. Our lives are not what I thought they would be. I could never have imagined the complexity of our schedule, the conflicts of interest, being pulled between "mine" and "his", in-laws, and the ex-wife. I think we both get our feelings bruised when we feel that the other person is favoring "their" own children over "ours". The heartache, and the stress over the last 4 years has been unbelievable for me. And unfortunately it was diminished my level of happiness and satisfaction with life overall. But, I DO believe that I have the most wonderful husband in the world, and I could not share my life with him without all the chaos of a blended family. The key is learning how to deal with all these situations and letting go of things you used to be able to control. That, for me and so many women, is so hard! Four years and still trying to get a handle on it.
If I could go back knowing what I know now, there are days that I would have to say No I would not do it again. However, in my head and my heart, I believe that my life is and will be fuller and richer because of this family that is mine. Life is not about what hand you are dealt, but what you do with it. God brought me here and he will bring me through. And maybe I'll become a better person in the process.
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